Well, Shit.

A bird shit on me today. So, I figured it was time to write again. I just don’t know if I have much of anything new to say, really. I do know I still have a bunch to feel. In moments of deep meditation, I feel an urge to sit and let whatever needs to come out, come out. This is what I’m doing today. I wonder if the bird who flew over me thought the same. 

If I’m honest, I have felt a bit lost lately. It’s for all the obvious reasons that don’t even need to be overtly stated because we all see it. I just haven’t been able to figure out how to… move. It feels so bleak and so fucked up that life is carrying on as “normal”. There are children starving to death and people being kidnapped off the streets without ANY justifiable cause. I can’t breathe when I let myself sit with this reality. It’s way too scary. And it is happening. Right now. So, I get choosing to see any positive that can keep you going. Especially when you have people who depend on you. It’s necessary. 

The eerie way that the sun is still shining while you know fucking atrocities- genocides! FUCKING GENOCIDES are occuring…in the year 2025, is such a mindfuck. I got sucked into the darkening whirlpool of hopelessness and couldn’t let myself fully feel it. Basically all summer. I think my body knew I needed to attempt a recharge, or…come up for air for a bit (so-to-speak) so that I could figure out a way to let myself sink in the depths to sit with it all. The time was necessary because it provided just enough wherewithal to know the feelings alone wouldn't kill me when I did finally feel them. So I posted pretty pictures, and leaned into the sunny days more intentionally while trying my best to remain alert to what is going on. I had a few too many drinks at a gathering or two to help with the stress of encountering family with staunchly hurtful views. I ran at times. I am not perfect.      

I don’t mean to bring down the mood, I know I started off with a lighthearted little quip about bird shit and then pulled the rug out from under you, “HA! Gotcha! The world is ending!” but I don’t know how much longer I can go on not yelling to everyone I know. Seriously…I am so close to screaming in the middle of the grocery store. 

Needless to say, I have turned a bit of a corner with being able to allow what needs to come out, to come out. However, instead of impulsively screaming under the fluorescent lights of the beverage section after thinking about how the soda I am buying makes me an addicted and corporate dependent hypocrite, (takes deep breath) all the while balancing the weight of (gestures broadly) fucking …this…compounded by the mourning of some of my own family ravaged by the grips of suicide trauma, (inhales again)... I’m using what I’ve learned being mindful and channeling here (cries-No, seriously, I’m stopping here to cry right now). 

I’m crying because I’m so, so, so, glad I am letting this out. I didn’t know how to let myself approach the heaviness of the world. But I did, and I didn’t die. Not going to lie, I feel pretty wrecked inside, yet so proud of myself for feeling ALL OF THIS! And modeling for people the messiness that is me…and the world…and… everything, yet I’m still showing up in some capacity.

I’m tired of holding back feelings for the keeping of facades upheld by others too stubborn to admit they made a mistake. If you voted for this, you’ve got some deep, goddamned soul searching to do. I mean, I hope you’ve done it by now. If not, please do it, and do it quickly. We’re here waiting for you to make the right choices moving forward. You don’t even have to tell anyone, just…fucking do better. For yourself.  Now. If you can’t get yourself to do so, fine. Your choices are yours. They will not haunt me. But they will haunt us all.  

There are some people in my life that I will never hear from again, receive an apology from for deeply hurtful comments, or even receive the respect of a conversation from because of this bullshit and it’s so surface level compared to the deeply horrific and generationally traumatic acts happening around the world right now. It all comes down to one primary issue. Selfishness. It’s all so abhorrently and inhumanely selfish. It’s the refusal to admit fault because…then you would have to concede! OH NO! Let it go. Let it fucking go. Reach out to people. Don’t isolate, alienate, and further the divide between self and other. You may need to apologize. Let people know you fucked up and you’ll try not to let it happen again. You won’t die if you do. Let it go and choose better. I just don’t have hope that this will ever happen yet, given the sustained willingness to choose willful, gouge-your-eyes-out blindness over concession and accountability.          

We need to feel our shit. To look in the mirror and see yourself. Deeply. All of us. Willful blindness is not the answer but deep awareness is. There’s too much to be aware of right now. For survival purposes, come up for air when you need to and focus on your breath when you feel overwhelmed. Shame helps absolutely no one. I feel that truth in my bones. But. If you are not willing to open your eyes right now in any capacity to try to even begin to recognize how wrong this all is, shame on you. 

I know I don’t know everything. In fact, I often feel out of place putting my writing out for public viewing, because who do I think I am? But I know who I am. I know what my intentions are and I’m not hiding them. I am not perfect. I feel hypocritical for still being a consumer and falling prey to the doom scroll rectangle. I am a human. With the ability to …do something…anything. Here I am, definitely not screaming in a grocery store, but writing about this mess, pleading with everyone to feel as deeply and fully as you are able and to be compelled to make even a very small gesture of acknowledgement. The littlest things count. Even the most minuscule shift towards light keeps the scales tipped in a positive favor when they occur in numbers.  

Good luck to you all. Sincerely. This looks bad. It starts with acknowledgement. We know we can do better. It’s a choice. Yours is yours, and mine is… ours. I hope you are able to find the same to be true for you if you haven’t yet. Choose well. 

May you and yours experience all of the beauty in this world to the greatest extent possible. There’s incredible beauty here. And incredible hurt and pain happening for absolutely no good reason. I hope you never have to fear a loved one getting snatched away from your life and their own. May your rights never be stripped from you on the basis of your sex or gender. May the worst thing that happens to you today be getting a little bird shit in your hair. Again, good luck.