I Remember You

I saw it. And I remembered! 

Miles (my 2.5 year old) was finally down for the night and I was watching TV with Justin, my phone in my hand. Two minutes prior I was “hope scrolling”. They say it’s in line with doom scrolling to some degree, but different. Searching for hope in today’s political climate seems necessary for survival. At least that’s what it feels like to me. I’m wrong, by the way. 

Anyway. We were watching one of our favorite shows that makes us laugh until we cry and makes ME laugh so loudly I almost wake Miles. That is the OPPOSITE of what we would want. And so is telling yourself you need to “multitask” with multiple devices in an effort to optimize “joy”. I was only severed from the moment and further away from where everyone should strive to be to the greatest extent possible. In. The. Moment. And I know this! 

Granted, we both (Justin and I) DO try to keep each other accountable with our devices and shut it down when we’re together, but there’s so much happening and with such little time in the day, you say “just a peek so I know what’s going on.” And just that one quick glance of the day’s headlines leaves you feeling so mentally assaulted that you’re sent right into the “hope/doom scroll” cycle, licking your wounds and searching for small glimmers (dopamine hits) that are so easily accessible. You, like any fiend would, tell yourself  YOURS is a curated algorithm, masterfully set to instill peace, tranquility, and just the right amount of social justice inspo. to keep you afloat. 

But that’s bullshit. You’re right there in the echo chamber with the rest of em. Feeding the internal flame of anger and fear. Probably why it’s aptly named your “feed”. I saw the glow of that flame and recognized it for what it was. When you do, it’s sobering and …such a relief. For a time. I’m still human and that’s ok. I’m getting better.        

But what did I see?! 

We were into our show. Which, you could argue, is just another captivating screen used as a disassociation tool to keep you drooling and just the right amount of comatose to continue your zombie-like duties of contributing to the fluid functioning of capitalist machinery. BUT I DON’T HAVE ALL DAY. (And maybe this is another story I tell myself, but it seems there are benefits of accessibility features with certain technology-like subscribing to particular channels. It’s all about awareness and REMEMBERING.)

I digress. I was reading and re-reading a quote in my “feed”, while simultaneously watching our show. I really wanted this one to sink in. My focus shifted to the TV. I was laughing and happy and I saw Justin laughing in my periphery. As my gaze refocused to the content on the wall, the rectangle in my hand lit up. The “reel” of quotes I was… studying?... momentarily flickered. 

And I paused.

It’s diabolically crafted that way. My phone was idle for a set amount of time and intentional programming, designed to keep you a fear-based reliant fiend, lit up. This time it illuminated a path back to myself. Because I remembered.

*Exhales deeply. 

Miles needs better from this world. We fall asleep with him each night and we have a lot of fun when he’s in his pre-sleep state. He is so hysterically playful and it’s… just an intensely magical time. It’s our time as a family when we chat and connect so deeply and I’m savoring these moments when he is excited to hang with his parents because I know it’s fleeting. 

Last night, he grabbed me by the face; two little hands on both my cheeks, put his forehead on mine and said,  “Mommy, I love you. I love you, I remember you.” When he finally went out, I sat with that last part. It felt a little…haunted. And it was. 

Then I remembered me too. 

I have the capacity to be better. To do better. To know the truth of who I am. In our moments of positive, loving connection with the people who love us for who we are, who accept us fully and recognize that we are fallible individuals but love us anyway, we are connected to that truth. I am so incredibly grateful I am able to keep rediscovering or remembering this truth, over and over again. 

Here's the quote I was studying: 

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“Be the person you know you are even though you have been hurt before by being exactly as you are, by being too loving, too caring, too available, too much. Be the person you were born to be and do not let the actions of others take away at the most beautiful qualities you could ever find in a person. 

Be the person who believes that the ONLY way to attract all the people who are meant for you is to be exactly who you are.”

-Instagram post by momentaryhappiness

Remember who the fuck you are. 

You’re incredible and magical and you deserve better from this world.  

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