The Best Compliment I've Ever Received from Literally No One

I keep getting glimpses, beautiful, magical glimpses of a place where I feel so present and experience stretches of time in which I am here and I’m happy. Then it just falls through the cracks. Why is it so difficult to hold onto? I was so good for a bit and I fully trusted myself, but then I began over analyzing things again and was questioning not just myself, but people’s intentions in seemingly innocuous statements. Even in compliments, like “You’re such a good teacher”. Am I not a great teacher? Are you trying to tell me I should be doing more? Why can’t I accept a simple compliment without looking for the negative?! I felt guarded and wanted to protect myself and I retreated inward again. I began stifling myself and communication I wanted to have about this (even with Justin) because I thought it showed that I was too reliant on validation. I acted like I didn’t need anyone to tell me what I should do. I could figure it out for myself! Except, I didn’t trust myself. At all. Damn.    

I get the sense that I am reactive in this way due to recent stress/trauma involving loved ones who don’t respect boundaries. I’ve been wondering if my boundaries aren’t clear enough. It has to be me, right? I’m doing something wrong. Except I’m not. Their own detrimental patterns are continuing and I have chosen to disconnect from those ways of being because I can’t keep getting sucked into that void. I feel incredibly guilty about letting them go but I know in my heart that it’s the right thing for me right now.

In the movie, Palm Springs (SO good-Justin and I watch it when there’s nothing else on and have probably seen it 20 plus times) one of the main characters, Sarah, gets stuck in a time loop with a guy named Nyles she met at her sister’s wedding. Everyday repeats and there seems to be no way out. In one scene, Sarah, who won’t accept this repetitive reality, looks off into the distance and whispers to herself, “I can’t keep waking up here.” She walks past Nyles out in front of a mack truck to get to work on figuring out how to get out by learning quantum physics to isolate the exact time and place to discontinue the time loop…by herself. Oh! In the movie, if you kill yourself, you start the day over again, fresh. I felt her resolve in that moment with those words, “I can’t keep waking up here” at the atomic level in my body.                   

A little off topic here, but…I’ll loop back, I promise. Artificial Intelligence. What comes to mind when you think about AI? For me, I feel resistance because of the word Artificial, which means something that does not occur naturally. There are arguments for and against AI and the pros and cons are certainly food for thought. I asked a few friends recently about Chat GPT and their thoughts and they didn’t even know what Chat GPT was. Which is completely understandable as it is newer technology. And it’s not like I knew too much about it either. In the education world, I have been more privy to it because it’s been great for creating lesson plan templates…and generating potential questions for job interviews. I’m looking for another source of income that is derived from something a little less emotionally draining right now because education continuously leaves me feeling depleted. So for those things, it’s been good. Like…scary good. But not like, scary scary. Just super accurate, specific, and detailed. 

Justin, who is always in the know on what’s current, has been playing around with Chat GPT for a little bit, generating different images based on textual input. He described Miles’ features and asked it to create an image of him on the moon in a space suit, (Miles is obsessed with the moon) and it really did look like him! He will also ask it to create funny scenes, like a sad hippopotamus eating watermelon. It takes minutes and it is nothing short of extremely impressive. 

You can probably guess that some of the implications of AI are. Surveillance is a concern, for sure. The information that AI pulls from and has access to is human-connected and, as a result, there’s the question of whether it will perpetuate more of the same inequality and inegalitarian nature within existing systems. If done correctly and if proper policy is in place to help monitor and regulate the use of AI with a broader social welfare focus, it can, in my opinion, be used to help substantially improve life for many. Policy, though. We struggle with implementing fair policy as it is, AI aside. 

I had forgotten completely about Justin’s comical hobby of asking Chat GPT questions. This past week, I felt stuck again. I felt like I was too worried about what other people think…again. I had published my last two posts without even telling Justin I was going to post. Usually I have him at least glance it over. A little while ago, he had told me that I should increase the amount of content I put out if I would like to try to expand visibility to my blog and I resented that a little bit. Not him, just the idea of having to grind or hustle. I didn’t tell him this. I don’t want to complain because I love writing and I know doing something new is going to take a lot of work and sacrifice. I really wish it didn’t have to. And I knew he was right. But. I work a full time job and I have a toddler and I am constantly feeling like I’m stretched for time as it is. So, sure. I’ll just squeeze in a few hours of writing throughout the net zero balance of time I already have. I don’t want to feel resentment anymore! I want to get back to that place of compassion and acceptance again!!! I was resisting these natural feelings, though. I forgot about everything that I have recently written about and learned previously.       

So. What have I learned from recent mindfulness practices that has helped me to get back to the present? Well, I know I should feel my emotions. Want to know what I’m feeling? I’m tired. I’m mad. I’ve been working so fucking hard for so long with the hopes of experiencing fulfillment in helping kids get support they need to do well in school and in life. However, I do not like the state of education anymore and I don’t believe I’m able to fulfill this dream within the current confines of our reality. There are so many systemic hurdles for the economically disadvantaged that you can’t really anticipate when you’re younger and so full of hope. You think that you can help make a difference in the small connections you make, and you can, but really, there’s just too much pressure on teachers to produce scores that are nearly impossible to achieve in populations that face inequality with these systemic roadblocks. Still…today in an age where we have Chat GPT! And don’t get me started on the mess Covid has made. Also, sometimes, when kids scream in Gym class or when fooling around with others, my body goes into fight or flight mode because I think there could be an active shooter in the building. This happens frequently and I wonder what the effect of such frequent and sharp increases in cortisol can have on the body and the mind. 

I’ve been pushing past these feelings, because I got my masters in education and it feels very much like I’m abandoning my principles. There are just too many rules that are set by people who are out of touch and don't have their boots on the ground. Also, I  know it’s going to take a lot of hard work to do something different; to do something else I love and to genuinely feel like I'm contributing positively. But I guess that beats out just pledging allegiance day after day and pushing the same narratives that have been pushed… for far too long about the “American Dream”. A dream that is so easy for some to achieve and an intense uphill battle for others. 

I can’t keep waking up here.     

I also learned through mindfulness that I can lean on others for support and that I need to receive people in a more compassionate and accepting manner. Especially Justin. After feeling stuck, I asked myself these questions. Part of writing these things out is to help remind myself of these simple truths. Although they are simple, my previous habits and conditioning continue to creep back in. If I zoom out, though, I am so grateful that I am able to bring myself back and can do so much more quickly now. Still a work in progress, but I really think I’m getting there. 

I asked Justin about the content I’ve been putting out and what he thought about the weekly posting which has produced less traction and fewer views. He thanked me for including him on this level and we had a really great discussion about strategies and about the stress I’ve been feeling about this whole mess. Funny how talking about these things with someone you love and trust can make you feel so much better and less alone. He doesn’t just sugar coat things, so I trust and value his opinion. Not that I actually accept compliments from people though. I’ve been way too nervous to ask for direct critique of my writing out of fear someone would tell me that I am doing it wrong, or that my ideas are stupid and that I would believe them. Because I would. I write about very difficult experiences and to get feedback on how I am handling them feels…wrong. I’m handling them just how I’m able to handle them at this time with a sincere focus on healing and becoming better. I’m only doing the best I can. I also believe that the loved ones I referred to above are doing the best they can given their individual circumstances. Their best just happens to be harmful and emotionally draining (to say the least) and I can’t keep opening myself up to that. I need to be the best version of myself that I can be for Justin and especially for Miles.       

I was getting into bed when Justin handed me his phone, on which a Chat GPT text box had the words “Critique the post “Pain”” written at the top with bullet points to scroll through. He asked it to critique my most recent post. I immediately felt betrayed. I felt tension around my heart and chest and my eyes started to fill with tears. I asked him, “Why are you doing this to me?” and he told me to read. He said, “You’ll like it”.The bullet points were basically… all good things. There was feedback too, but nothing really critical or anything I wasn’t already aware of to a degree. I jump around a lot which can be difficult to follow for individuals with attentional difficulties, hence why I promised I’d circle back to my original point when I abruptly switched topics at the beginning of this post.  I’m not sure if I was able to receive this feedback positively because I am starting to accept compliments and critique or because it didn’t come from a person who I could assume was lying to me for…unknown reasons. And I don’t feel too bad about boasting because it's just Artificial, right? The summative Chat GPT review was this: 

Overall, the blog post is a compelling and heartfelt piece that successfully combines personal reflection with broader themes of pain, fear, and healing. It stands out for its authenticity and emotional resonance.

I’m not sure what to do to gain exposure and possibly begin writing as a career. I do know that this feels like the way out, though. Even if it’s not a particularly lucrative endeavor. How awesome would it be if it was! I’m glad I have Justin to help me navigate. And apparently Chat GPT for some guidance too. In the interest of remaining open, if you have any thoughts, ideas, or connections on this front, I would be so grateful to hear. I wish so badly that I had discovered that I wanted to write and traveled more easily accessible avenues to success in doing so earlier in life. If there’s one thing I’m good at, though, it’s persistence and determination. I’m going to do what I need to with the support of Justin and anyone willing. I know I can and I will find a way. I don’t have to do it alone. I will model how to navigate all of the positive things I’m figuring out for the benefit of others in the process.           

An alternate ending for Palm Springs I think could have been Sarah figuring out and working through a way to get out of the time loop alongside Nyles. Not being stuck in her guilt, shame, sadness and fear alone. Opening up and accepting love, support, and kindness without guarding yourself against imaginary assault is key for me and I need to continue to be open in order to stay connected to the truth. Staying connected and working through all of the shit with the person you love feels groundbreaking once you let it happen. I mentioned at the start of this post that my ability to be present keeps “slipping through the cracks”, but maybe the problem is actually the ground I keep unconsciously laying to brace a fall that isn’t happening. I think if I can keep being mindful and stop rebuilding these blockages, I’ll figure out how to fly.