Didn't Land

Reflection: I put this post up yesterday. It was my least successful post. Generally, I will have the most views within a few hours of posting. That didn't happen. BUT! I didn’t die! Sometimes, failure can feel very scary and it just doesn't need to. I had mentioned at the end of the post that I am sometimes uncomfortable putting my thoughts out into the world “to be subject to judgment or worse, to be completely dismissed”. Being “dismissed” was what I thought would be the worst situation. And, to some degree, that did happen. Not a lot of readers for this one and that’s ok. What I am celebrating now is that I didn’t self-lacerate and cycle through negative ruminations…although I did disassociate a bit and doom scroll. Justin rightfully called me out on it.  I’m only human. Later at night, I took time for myself to sit with the feelings that came up as a result of not many views. And here’s what I found:

• On its face, this post could be considered a failure. I’m honestly not sure. I really like the content that I discuss throughout but in trying to go back and re-read from the perspective of a person who isn’t as into the world of social-sciences and mindfulness practices as I happen to be at this moment in time, this can be seen as a bit…all over the place. Oh well. 

• I posted this with the intention of getting more content out. May have been a bit hasty. BUT! I actually don’t think so. I think it was supposed to happen this way. Failure is inevitable and feelings associated with failure can sometimes be incapacitating. I want to model that you can get through these feelings and be ok. More than ok. Maybe even stronger.   

• I thought that being dismissed was my biggest fear, but I think I’m more uncomfortable with the “pushing” I’ve been doing lately. It kind of feels forced. I was in conversation with someone from a company that I GREATLY admire and was offered to fill out a partnership program form for my blog. I got overly excited but also felt insufficient because I do not have an actual following. So I …kind of begged under the guise of “asking for help”. Asking for shares and likes…and all the stuff youtubers say at the end of their videos. The motivation did not feel authentic to me. 

• Should I beat myself up about it? No. I got excited. What can I do about it now? I can be honest and tell you how I’m feeling about it. I thought about going in and changing the content of this post. I don’t want to do that though. I think it’s important to model positive things you can do when you encounter failure. Sometimes you can’t change a failure.  

We all fail. I am extremely proud of this message I am putting out. The only thing I am changing is the title because I LOVE how it illuminates the theme of failure, ties in with the jellyfish image, and it feels nearly synchronistic with the last line of the post, which is: 

“I had a dream last night that I could fly if I could just believe I could.” 

*Original Post Below*

What do you want? No, really, what do YOU want? For quite some time I’ve paused to answer this question so that I could construct a well-rounded response, mainly so that others would think I was giving, caring, noble, and brave. I want to help others, I want to make a difference for the underserved, I want to stand up in the face of doubt/limiting beliefs imposed externally or internally and say, “No, this doesn’t seem right”. And all of those things are true, but I’m not being completely honest. I want something else, too. I want abundance. 

You ever heard someone say that out loud? Nope. That’s “selfish”. Except it’s not. Did you feel your body kind of reject that statement when you read it above? Like your organs retreated further into your body due to the absurdity? Maybe the absurdity is that we are led to believe, or programmed to think this way. 

When I say abundance, I don’t just mean money, although that is part of it. I mean, love, acceptance, joy, and general goodness. There is something in me that doesn’t always believe that I am deserving of these things. But. These things are our birthright. Certain choices made throughout life can make you feel guilt and shame that might stunt your ability to see this. However, contrary to some beliefs, you were not born in sin. You were born free and clear of any faults or debts owed. Beautiful. Fresh. Innocent. Deserving of all of the love there is to receive. 

Then you’re on this path and subject to the world and circumstances that are sometimes out of your control. The time in which you’re born, for example, with available modern advancements. You learn rulesets that have been ingrained and passed down generationally. The intention behind these rules, I believe, is to help guide as best as possible based on past experience. Sometimes the context in which a rule or guiding principle is formed vs the context of the current way of life doesn’t line up though. For example, individuals growing up during the depression may have experienced traumatic fear associated with the threat of loss of income and potentially starvation. As a result, there may have been a fear-based mentality that persisted and drove parents of young children during this time to function with a scarcity mindset and instill habits of rationing and hoarding and to always prepare for the worst. Buckle down, work hard within the confines of existing capitalistic systems in order to be “ok”. This way of being is passed on to further generations in the form of, “Go to college, get a good job, pay your college debts and you'll have a good life”. Today, with astronomical interest rates and the ever-rising cost of living in comparison to the cost of living for generations past, this way of life feels borderline extortionist. At the very least, it can certainly be a block for abundance.  

Yes, this is sort of an extrapolated example, inconsiderate of many variables, but the point I’m trying to make here is that the college trajectory was a secure and surefire way to be on your way to “success” many decades ago, but it is now less so due to the monetization of the American higher education system. For more info, I suggest you watch the John Oliver episode of Last Week Tonight on Student Debt. So good. 

We live under certain constraints right now that are based upon scarcity within the context of our current economic system. Which. Is not all bad. I mean, the scarcity is…but Capitalism itself  has led to many aspects of human flourishing and has allowed for individuals in situations of poverty to rise up and live abundantly. Which is beautiful. But. When we are not able to meet the basic needs of large portions of the population, specifically the people outside of the category of “wealthy”, then something is failing. Research on this topic has been conducted and reviewed by Thomas Curran in his book, The Perfection Trap-Embracing The Power of Good Enough. Here’s a good (not necessarily completely related) Ted Talk if you (like me) already have a mountain of books on your list to read. It shows the depth of his knowledge on the current epidemic of social perfectionism and constant striving for young people.

Our dangerous obsession with perfectionism is getting worse | Thomas Curran

Should we throw out the baby with the bathwater? No! But significant change should be made. 

More questions: 

1. How do we do that? 

2. Is it our responsibility? 

3. Can we make significant shifts for the future of our country and potentially the world at large.

Answers: 

1. I don’t necessarily know, exactly. 

2. Yes and no. 

3. More than you could ever believe, you can...within reason. 

Do you need to upend your life and dedicate it to an intense research-based study of how to correct the way we operate within the confines of our current economic structure? Absolutely not. That sounds god-awful (in my opinion). It is not your responsibility to unravel the macrocosm’s worth of tangling that has led to our current situation. Does that mean that you are unable to do anything at all? NO. 

Picture an aerial drone view of the world, quickly narrowing down (but also expanding) to the cloud level with view of everything that makes home, home, and down further to your eye level. It starts with you. We must make better and thoughtful choices. We are the dominant force of change on the planet. It starts with awareness. Awareness can spur action and innovation. Many of us, due to self-centric  programming that has (unconsciously or unknowingly) been made to be our way of functioning, simply haven’t been able to be aware on this level. It takes conscious awareness to all of the programs we’ve accepted as “it is what it is” from greater society. And yes! It is what it is. You have to start where you are. That’s acceptance. Then, you stop to monitor what actions you can reasonably and comfortably take for the betterment of all beings. Beginning with how you manage your own feelings. That’s mindfulness. As a poem of a woman once said to me, “When you realize it’s actually a choice, you can’t be stopped!”. 

So yeah, the belief that we don’t have control, the “I can’t”, that’s unconscious programming that undercuts conscious flourishing. Continuing on autopilot perpetuates trends. You do have the ability to catch your ways of thinking for the betterment of yourself and people you are connected to. It takes time and courage to face truths at face value, but it’s not an arduous task when done with self-compassion and greater compassion for the world at large. (Drone quickly propels itself upward and over our mind bogglingly beautiful planet, miraculous in its potential and sheer possibility). 

To help your own broader awareness, I suggest watching this video:Our Planet: Our Business.

For those of you strapped for time, this one works too :) His Epic Message Will Make You Want to Save the World | Short Film Showcase    

Back to the micro (which could be argued is the number one key to macro change, but I digress). There are things that you do have agency and choice over. I’m attempting to be a small voice to affect even the smallest level of change from the place of my current awareness. I might make mistakes. I might even fail. But. I know that I am comfortably trying my best with the best intentions that I know to be true right now. So, I’m taking time. Time is something I know that I have been afforded an abundance of. Or at least I have up until this point. Who knows what time I have left. I’m not a jellyfish (Did you know there’s a species that may be immortal?) I want to make sure I am acting with the courage to make internal shifts that can possibly leave a world more promising for Miles and maybe for his children and your children and so on. It is ok to think about yourself and to want the best life has to offer. Just make sure it’s not intentionally harmful or burdensome to others.      

You’ve probably taken the time to think about some of these things, but have you taken the time to feel about them. Feeling is different from thinking. Like when you (maybe) felt an internal cringe sensation when I said “I want abundance” above. You’re holding so many self-critical beliefs inside. I mentioned above that I am trying to act with courage by saying ….all of this. But. I constantly feel inner swirling and tightnesses when I post a new blog. This feeling led me to believe that I should be quiet in the past. I began to resist my own want and drive to speak. If you’ve read some of my previous writings, you can see where I “put my words away”. I did this out of fear or due to feeling insufficient, less than, not capable, stupid even. I am not stupid and I never have been (although I was called this when I was younger by adults who were "joking" and should have known better).

I feel deeply. I’ve been led to believe I shouldn’t and that has made me question my own truth. I am quite connected to my own internal state and the feelings and energy of those around me. I am starting to see this very clearly now and I would love for you to be able to see these things too, if you need it.. So I am putting my experiences out here/there when I want to. Maybe you’ll connect with them in healing ways. If you need it, I hope you do. You deserve that abundance.     

This doesn’t magically stop the swirling feelings inside. The pressure and physiological  response happen nearly automatically due to previous wiring and biological connections to learned thought processes. Yes, logically, you can say, “Failure is simply a set-back that can be used as a learning opportunity to promote growth.” Is that what you feel, though when you tune into your body? Try it. Really think about...maybe the possibility of losing your job, or your home burning down because of the candle you left burning. What does your body do? Where and what physical sensations do you experience? Does your heart rate increase? Does your breathing accelerate a bit? Where do your thoughts take you? Where do these thoughts stem from? Are they accurate? We all experience failure on many different levels, and yes! It is completely normal to experience the physical sensations of worry and fear. It’s an automatic response to threats that we are hardwired with to help promote survival. Sometimes, though, our perception of threat is overblown and we apply a disastrous level of response to less than disastrous circumstances. Again, we can recalibrate our connection to our own thoughts and feelings and manage these physical responses through awareness and mindfulness. We are not our thoughts.  

I am sometimes uncomfortable with putting some of my thoughts out there to be subject to judgment or worse, to be completely dismissed. I have gotten to a place where I'm better able to let these feelings swell inside and then…pass. Before, I was dismissing them, pretending they weren’t there and dealing with the consequences later. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Now, I know I feel exponentially healthier as of late and am beginning to experience greater frequency of joy in the present moment. I am self-assured based on my own internal gauge that I am doing what I know to be right and true at this moment in time. So take your time. However, that looks for you to be able to realize who you are, what you want, and what you are capable of. 

I want. I feel. I speak. I am. I am enough.  

You are enough.    

I had a dream last night that I could fly if I could just believe I could. I believe in this dream.