Pain

I’ve been dealing with pain in my right shoulder. I can’t remember any injuries to this area, and I assumed that it has to do with picking up a 30lb toddler multiple times a day. I’ve been trying to be mindful of activities that engage my shoulder in order for it to rest, but being right handed makes this difficult. I’m currently looking into yoga exercises to gently increase mobility and decrease inflammation, but I also think I need to try and figure out what the pain could be signaling. Long story short, I’ve been thinking about it too much. I’m going to try something. I’m going to try feeling about it. I am quite skeptical about trying to address physical pain through mindfulness practices opposed to doing so with other feelings like anxiety, fear, or anger. I’ve never tried it so I figured I’d give it a shot. I’ll keep you updated on how it goes. 

A preliminary search online shows that right side body pain is in response to a consistent bracing. Like shielding yourself from a blow to the heart. I’ve been avoiding facing a very scary fear. My biggest fear in this life. I know what it is but I don’t let myself even begin to allow it space to surface because I'm scared that if I say it or even think it, it will give life to the thought and could possibly bring it into existence. I haven’t been ready to think about it yet. I’ve been afraid the fear itself would swallow me whole. 

I’ve been lost in fear before. It was an intensely difficult period in my life that I do not wish to revisit. Thinking about that pain makes my throat close so that words come out in whispers, blocked by stinging tears. I wrote about this pain in the post “Another Words” while I was in the middle of fertility issues and treatment in the wake of multiple miscarriages. I recalled walking past an open field on a hot summer day with the grass illuminated by the sun which was beating on my shoulders. I felt the pressure of accumulated sadness, struggle, fear, and anger in my chest. I remember feeling like I was going to burst but walking on because that’s what you’re supposed to do. I wanted nothing more than a release. Well…I wanted to be pregnant with a healthy baby more, but at that time, I wasn’t sure if it was going to happen. 

I pressed that need for release down. I remember seeing a butterfly out of the corner of my eye which was a desperately welcomed distraction. Then a bird darted down and snatched the butterfly in its beak. The pain felt physical. My heart was absolutely broken and I didn’t know what to do besides push it away and keep walking. 

That pain was despair, despondence, hopelessness, and just plain suffering. I was trapped in it and didn’t know how to get out. I eventually did find my way out and it was before I knew I was pregnant with Miles which I am grateful for. If I had found the way out while pregnant, I’m not sure if I could have reconciled that message. To me, if the way out was contingent upon Miles’ life, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would be incapacitated by…. my biggest fear mentioned above. To me, if I wasn’t able to find the peace I needed before Miles, it would have implied that Miles was the key to my happiness. And, dear God, he is everything. But only I hold that key. 

Anyway, you can probably guess what my biggest fear is. I need to be able to face it and work through it but I am still bracing for a blow that I don’t think I’d be able to handle. I know I can, but I am so friggen scared. I don’t ever want to experience that level of sadness in my life again, and this level of sadness would be significantly worse. It seems very much like it would be the end. Like an ultimate resolve to an unimaginably cruel existence that I know life… isn’t. So. I need to face it and exercise …trust. I need to trust life, even though I have so much reason not to. The act of resisting this fear is creating strain and imbalance and if I address it by facing it, I know I will see that I'm blocking myself from joy.

I’ve been allowing for certain fears (not the big one) to surface through meditation so that I can work through and release them. One that keeps coming up for me is my fear of not being able to cut it in this life. Like my dad. Typing that actually hurt. My throat is closing right now and I want to cry a little. I had to take a beat to sit with that feeling for a moment after typing. I still grieve for him. I’m not sure that will ever end. He did the best he could on the path he was taught to follow and couldn’t see his way out. I think I’m afraid of getting trapped on the wrong path too. I refuse to get trapped though. 

I’m starting to fully recognize that the mind and  body need focused attention to be able to dissolve patterns of pain and suffering. We receive signals internally as well as externally when there is recognized misalignment. So. I decided to try a thing that sounds a little too out there, even for me, which is to try addressing physical pain through spiritual or emotional healing. Don’t knock it till you try it, right?    

I had a day off from work this week. It was absolutely gorgeous outside so I took Miles for a walk in his stroller. The same walk I’ve taken for years now. The flowers are budding as it’s late May in Rhode Island. Yellow dandelions are mostly now puffballs that blow through the air and scatter to bring brightness to the future. I plucked one and held it up for Miles to experience such natural magic and watch his eyes glitter with wonder and joy as I blew the fluff into the air. 

We passed the tree where Justin captured the video of the raccoon poking its inquisitive head out of the heart shaped hole. I look each time and hope to see another. Across from that tree is the field I walked past when the pain of suffering I had accumulated felt unbearable. I turned Miles toward the field, the grass glimmering in the warmth of the sun. I felt the sun on my face and we just stood there a moment and took in the view. I got scared I’d see another butterfly get eaten and interpret it as a sign of pain to come. But I didn’t. I knelt down to be at Miles’ eye level to see what he was seeing, his little legs swinging back and forth. A sign of happiness and comfort. I looked at him to tell him I love him and my eyes welled up with pure gratitude. I couldn’t get the words out so I plucked a yellow dandelion and handed it to him and gave him a kiss on his round little cheek. 

We continued on our walk and a yellow butterfly passed us. I pointed it out to Miles and froze a bit internally, waiting. It flew on. We walked a little further and a vulture was circling above. Vultures mean death. I shuddered at the idea of this being a sign but tried to not to take the thought too seriously as not to give it life. I pointed the vulture out to Miles and told him what it was.

We dipped around a curve that scares me on this walk because cars coming aren’t able to see around it. We always cross the street to be able to be seen, just in case. In the blind spot, on the road,  was an animal carcass. I couldn’t look at it but the sound of large flapping wings lowering down to the ground made Miles and I focus our attention in that direction. The vulture had swooped down and was picking apart pieces in its beak. My stomach flipped and I averted my eyes. The gruesome image settling in seemingly to confirm the foretelling of suffering to come...Until Miles held up his dandelion in the direction of the vulture and excitedly said “Show him!” 

I laughed and shocked myself as I felt all of the foreboding feelings dissolve on the spot.                  

If I am to take anything as a sign, it should be that I need to face my big fear with love and compassion. I need to stop bracing and waiting for my heart to be broken. It’s going to break, no matter what. That's life. There will be pain but the fear of that pain is just not necessary and it’s a self imposed burden. In a quote by the Roman philosopher Seneca, “A man who suffers before it is necessary, suffers more than is necessary”. I’m suffering by my own hand. I needed a little dandelion to remind me that I can face it and I can live more fully in the moment with joy, regardless of the inevitable pain in life. 

Anyway, I’m honestly not sure if the shoulder pain has anything to do with this fear. Maybe, though. I’m going to tell you the fear now. I’m taking away the power I’m giving it in avoiding it. I am terrified of experiencing the pain of losing Miles. I’m going to work through this fear with meditation. I am suffering so much in this fear and I need to let it go. Even if the shoulder pain is unrelated, I’m glad that it brought awareness to this need. Who knows, maybe my shoulder will also be relieved of the weight of the world I’m putting on myself too. Again, I’ll let you know.